This is not intended as medical advice. If you have questions about newborn care, contact your child’s pediatrician.

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“She sleeps in her crib most of the day.”

Around the time our little one was born, I talked with a friend about the first few weeks of his daughter’s life. Much of the conversation is a blur now, but this part stood out to me:

“She sleeps in her crib most of the day,” he said.

Our experience has been totally different!

Our baby does not sleep in her crib.

For the first month-and-a-half of her life, our daughter slept reasonably well in the NICU. Some of that time was spent in an incubator, some in a bassinet, and a lot of the daytime on one of our chests. It wasn’t until the last few days of her NICU stay that she started to awaken frequently when in her bassinet.

Our first attempts at getting her to sleep, once we came home from the hospital, were to place her in the crib after she ate, like we’d been doing in the NICU for weeks and weeks. Despite a tight swaddle, a dark room, and white noise, she would manage only a couple minutes in the crib before awakening with sounds of clearing her throat and straining severely. Then, she’d usually escalate from straining noises to crying.*

The only place our little one would sleep was in our arms or on our chests. When held, she’d sleep soundly for about 3 hours at a time, and we’d usually have to wake her up for feedings! Since holding her was the only way we could get her to sleep, we split into two shifts—Holly took night shift, and I took day shift—so that we could hold her 24/7. Our kiddo was perfectly content this way and slept great.

We were grateful to have the flexibility (a two-parent household with generous parental leave from work) to hold our little one for the entire day and night. However, holding her that much had its downsides.

I felt glued to the bed.

Although I really liked holding her, doing so for hours at a time presented a lot of problems. She’d be asleep on my chest while I delicately turned the pages of a book I was reading, trying not to awaken her. If I was thirsty, I’d gingerly pick up the glass of water that I’d previously staged within reach, and sip carefully without spilling any on her head. It was common for me to miss several meal times in a row, and if I had to go to the bathroom, I’d have to wait until she was hungry again unless I wanted to endure her wails when I set her down. Since, as a preemie, she required fortification to be mixed into the breast milk, we had to bottle-feed her, which meant that I’d mix her milk while holding her with one hand. After a few weeks of this, I developed lower back pain, and neither Holly nor I was getting any exercise. I felt glued to the bed.

Contact napping is common with newborns.

Something had to change. We turned to online resources to see what experts and other parents recommended. After doing some reading, we learned that “contact napping”—holding an infant while they sleep—is pretty common for newborns. Many parents let their newborn sleep on them or while held at least part of the time (though it appears less common to hold them all the time).

We wondered whether contact napping would establish a “bad” habit or would spoil our baby, causing her to be unable to sleep in her crib once she grew older. However, article after article indicated that contact napping will not spoil a baby and that it has health benefits, such as strengthening the baby-parent bond and improving sleep quality. Once the baby has grown past the newborn stage, around 3 or 4 months, though, establishing a sleep routine for your little one to sleep in the crib or bassinet is recommended so that they don’t rely on contact napping.

How to survive with a newborn who relies on contact napping

Luckily, we’ve learned several strategies that make this newborn stage easier to handle, even with a baby who sleeps only when held. I won’t venture to say that things are easy now, but they’re much more manageable than they were previously!

Wear your baby.

Our little one generally loves to be held in a carrier (we LOVE this carrier!) or wrap/sling. Wearing her frees us up to do chores (e.g. wash breast pump parts, mix milk, etc.) and grab easy-to-prepare foods. This is a huge win over being stuck on the bed for hours!

Another major benefit of wearing her is that we can get exercise. As long as she’s well fed, we can usually go for a long walk, and she’ll snooze through the whole thing, including noises like conversations, music, and the occasional barking dog. Moving around more and getting off the bed has really helped my lower back pain, and it’s much better for my health.

A limitation of baby wearing is that it doesn’t allow me to pick up things off the floor or lean over extensively. I can crouch down to pick up things if I really need, but it’s not easy. Tasks like gardening and taking clothes out of the dryer are also not very feasible while baby wearing (in my experience) because they require leaning over for a significant period of time, which is uncomfortable to our kiddo, so she awakens.

Put things within reach.

For times when I’ll lie on the bed with her, I prepare everything I need ahead of time. I make sure that I have my phone (for white noise if needed!) and its charger, a glass of water or tea, and something easy to eat if I’m hungry. For her, I keep a pacifier and burp cloth within reach, as well as a few books to read to her.

Prepare some food.

Whether I’m holding her on the bed or wearing her in the baby carrier, I choose my foods wisely. Anything that spills easily, like soup, is a no-go. For hot foods, I prefer casseroles or anything else that holds its form well enough to reliably make the trip from the plate to my mouth without being likely to fall onto her head. In terms of snacks, a filling food we’ve enjoyed is no-bake lactation “cookies.” The ones we’ve made are oat-based peanut butter balls that are good finger food.

Be careful about anything that could fall on your little one’s head. You may want to prefer a spoon over a fork, for example, and heat your food to just-warm-enough so that it wouldn’t be scalding if it were to fall.

Take care of your basic needs.

Despite your planning, there are times when nature calls. In these cases, just remember that your baby really will be okay to briefly lie on their back in a bassinet or crib if you have to take a restroom break. Yes, they may cry for a few moments, but they’ll get to snuggle with you again soon when you return. It’s not worth your being very uncomfortable for another hour or more just to avoid a brief interruption. It took a long time for me to reach this conclusion, but I think it’s important to keep in mind.

Likewise, if you’re at risk of falling asleep while snuggling with your kiddo, be sure to place them in a safe sleep space, such as a crib or basinet.

Good luck!

Caring for a baby who won’t sleep in the crib can be challenging, but hopefully, these tips from our experience help you as well! Cheers!

*In our case, part of the reason for this discomfort was GERD. Once we started using Gelmix feed thickener, as directed by our pediatrician, the straining was less severe. Even so, our little one wouldn’t typically sleep in her crib for more than 30 minutes at a time.